Can you tell I'm single?

One of the most insanely frustrating things about women is their constant need for reassurance. No, you're not fat. If you were fat you wouldn't be able to fit into that size 2 dress. And yes, you look good. Guys wouldn't be giving you free shit if you were ugly.
So here it is for the last time...You're not fat! You're not ugly! You know it and I know it so stop asking.

What makes you think I care about the kind of day that your sister's co-worker's dog had? Your sister is nice enough, but I don't know her co-worker and I certainly don't know her dog. So why the fuck are you telling me this story? I don't care! If you have something worth talking about, then I'll enjoy engaging you in meaningful conversation. 
But before you start talking to me about some of the insane frivolous shit that you talk to your girlfriends about, first ask yourself "Does this have a point?". Because if it doesn't I'm just going to smile, and nod, and zone out and you'll get mad because I'm not listening to your retarded shit!

So men are pigs because they stare at your boobs. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're wearing a skin tight low cut shirt that has 'Bebe' printed across your boobs... one 'Be' per boob. It's totally unfair that you have to put up with guys staring at you all the time just because you like to look sexy. And boo hoo, it's so hard for you to meet a nice guy. 
Well actually it isn't, because the shoulder you are crying on belongs to a nice guy. He's the one that puts up with all your stupid shit. And yet you somehow end up with all the assholes... Could it be because you're holding out for a six foot tall alpha-male with a trust fund?

Yeah, so you finally sold a freezer to an Eskimo. Congratulations on being a hot sales rep. We're all very proud of you for having a nice ass while the rest of us actually have to work for a living. And we're all so excited to see your new diamond jewelry. Your ability to date another rich fucktard that will shower you with expensive bobbles is commendable. And I'll be so surprised and sorry for you when he dumps you for the next hot girl because I really thought that materialistic trophy bagger was in love with you. 

But I'm happy to hear that you wrecked your fifth car while multi-tasking between your cell phone and doing your make up in the mirror. Your dedication to enforcing the stereotype of women drivers is nothing short of awe inspiring. 

Disclaimer: the contents of the note do not in any way mirror events in my life, past or present.